Friday, January 22, 2010

Her last words … Ma… Pa... I am coming

Today I am thinking of writing about somebody I never met and I have been contemplating since long to write about her. I don’t even have any remote relation with this soul but somewhere in my mind this soul exists. I just don’t know what‘s the connection with this lady but she is there a lady with tired and haggard look…When first time my friend barb talked about her I pictured her in my mind and few days back she again discussed about this lady. That day I got into my frame to write about her but somehow couldn’t do. Today I got up and while shaving I suddenly felt some familiarity knocking my mind…I again found her in my thoughts…I wondered that how come this lady is still kept her place in my mind…what is that which this lady is keeping me hooked to the world which she lived and surprisingly I see her life which is contained in many unwritten pages and confined to mute walls of subway… her solitary confinement to life. Was that life chosen by her or given to her with indifferences of life. I am not wondering now because I see the purpose to live her life in my obsessed transient mode to be as she was. Why I am trying to be like her…You may think this as absurd…many may call me eccentric or may call me mad…No my friend I am going beyond…going beyond the dimensions of established perceptions…My dear friends no perceptions can ever deter me to say things which may perhaps look very odd…I need to live her to know what it was? How it was? Why it was? While doing so I have to embrace her soul. I am embracing her life…her feelings…she never owned me…Oh how can she? She doesn’t even know me…but I own her…owning her in death…owning her pain…rather owning her entire life…I am owning her so that she posses me…posses me to say things which she has never said before…She could never say in her life…she yelled then to say, to talk about her pain but the world failed to listen…she questioned but world never answered…at the moment I am deep down to into her soul…Let me recount what she must have thought in her last moments in sub way…

Sun has set in and darkness captured the every nook and corner of the city…Cold winds in its fury mocked the warmth away…At nearby park She got up from the bench and struggled to orient… to find a way…not knowing where to go…instinct has withered with time…her frail physical existences trying hard to remain firmly embedded to ground…she is using every ounce of power to move further…heavy wind in its nasty mode challenging her as if now decided to knock her down to settle score with her and that too once for all…But wind failed…lady could hold the lamp post and with one hand clutching to her worn out and tattered coat… but the wind with its piercing audacity seeps in and rubbed the dry and parched skin of the lady with ferocity . She looked up and saw flakes of snow falling down with the back drop of flickering street light…she gave a deceptive smile and remembered…yes that was the place…near the fountain I met him first time…when we saw each other…Yes john I have not forgotten you…I remember you were wearing dark blue pullover …you were on your roller skate… there you slipped and I laughed…you looked at me…I saw those deep blue eyes…Oh! So innocent you were…so tender you were…you adjusted your skates and left…I giggled…wasn’t that day it was same…it was snowing that day too… I kept on looking till you skated far away and turned into by lanes…yes John I have not forgotten…that evening how could I forget…that day there was a heavy snow storm…how can I forget…as she was in times which she lived… somebody shouted …”Hey! You lady, can’t you see storm is gathering …go and be safe at your home…”she comes back to reality and mumbles word…”Yes…yes…I need to be at home…yes man I need to be at my home…”She looked back again towards that fountain as if finding somebody…the screeching sound of shutters being pulled down by the nearby shopkeepers…momentarily muffle her past… storm is gathering faster…she mumbled again “Oh! I need to hurry up.”She pushed her way towards the central Library…after walking down some distance she knew she cannot…Storm has now picked up and mercilessly wiping everything around which lacked strength to hold on…She looked up and somehow could drag herself towards sub way…as she descended down to subway all her strength gave up and slithered in one corner… she was breathing heavily…she remained there for long without moving…motionless but her mind reeling back the times when number of times she and john passed through this sub way…it was here he took first time in her arms and kissed her…Here she rested her head on his shoulder…where are you John she asked in her thought…as if finding shoulder she pulled herself up and rested her head on to the wall of subway….so cold…so dry…so life less this wall…Why John…why you have gone away…why you left me…From the one end of the subway she could see the faint light emitting from flats in adjoining high rise building and she sighed…she thought it must be very warm there…somebody’s home…they must be so comfortable…she talked to herself… “My daddy when came out of Army I remembered purchased three room flat there…with this meager income he could afford that…but he did it …my grand pa was very proud of him… huge family with three room apartment…but my pa could keep us together as one..he was the protector…not only for his kids but for his old parents too…he gave a beautiful world to all of us…myself Reni, David our dear mama…what a wonderful ma and pa…it was beautiful world…they are gone…we don’t have that roof over us…they are dead…First to go was grand ma she died of Alzheimer..which in the later stage turned into multi system atrophy…My grand pa, ma and pa including we kids helped her but one summer she gave up…I remember when my pa came back from funeral he was totally broken and wept throughout that night…My ma consoled him…Grandpa maintained a stoic silence as if he understood something…He couldn’t survive that winter and died in his sleep…My father thereafter remained for few months very quite…I remember he was working in nearby foundry…he always cursed that job and use to talk about his days in Army…When we lost David in Vietnam war…Pa and ma got the biggest shock of their life…They couldn’t withstand and in few months they too passed away…first my Ma due to pneumonia and then within month my Pa due to massive cardiac arrest…Reni and I went to hospital…Pa was looking up at the roof as we came he looked deep into our eyes and said… “Take care my child…God bless you”…and kissed our forehead and thereafter he didn’t uttered a single word… We left for our home and that night my pa gave up and passed away leaving us orphan…Not knowing what is going to happen to us…My elder sister took a job in nearby bakery and somehow she managed two meal for us…Within month I too left my school as it was getting difficult to manage life with meager income…Initially it was very comfortable but with turn of events the entire life begin to crumble for me…Reni fell in love with a chemist by name Stanley …well educated and smart. Within few months they both got married and Stanley moved into our apartment…I still remember it was my 18 th Birthday…John was also there…It was a wonderful night…John proposed and I accepted…We got married within three months…after one month he left for Alaska to work on a fishing trawler…he was to come back week before that year’s Christmas but news came that his trawler in mid-sea collision with container ship got destroyed…12 persons were rescued but John’s body could not be retrieved…I was carrying a baby of John…My life shattered and against the wishes of my sister and my brother in law I gave birth to Tim…I never knew that my life drafted to be as failure…Not knowing the nuances of life I drifted in my course… My sister warned me but to me everything was appearing to be winnable…In sinister arrogance of my youth I presumed everything was surmountable…Not knowing that fate is weaving a tragic time for me…Few more men came in my life…I very honestly tried to convince them that I can be a very honest wife to them but they all vanished…They were the mirage of my life…I kept on chasing the error but in the bargain I gathered dust of life…I tried hard to keep my son with me…he too drifted away from me…My sister threw me out from her house one night saying that she cannot take me any more…I do not know where to go…that night it was very cold and I was in open…Yes that night I came to this sub way…Sub way became my home…I lost all the sense of reality or I was pretending to be as if I wanted to punish God…I wanted God to be in pain to see my plight…Drugs though kept me in hallucination but it could never erase my good old times…could never take away my son and my John... My son Tim at times use to come and meet me not with sense of any affection towards her mother but to dole alms with sense of pity…Tim was doing well…he was turning into a smart adult…with chiseled jaw and yes with same deep blue eyes of John…I never missed her birthday…I use to make it a point to visit Church to pray for his better life…But I could never give him gift…With passage of time My son got married to beautiful girl by name Liza daughter of Town’s famous musician…I was not invited I knew why…I reconciled to my fate…On the way at times I came across my son and his wife…My son use to ask me about my welfare but Liza never… somewhere instinctively we both felt what was better…so I slowly convinced myself that to sever all expectations as a mom…that would be better for my son…so it was a deliberate decision… and for almost five years I did not meet him neither he ever tried…The life suddenly became very silent…Ever if any time the past try to resurface in my emotion I dull it down mercilessly with large dose of cheap liquor and drugs…My own has disowned me so as time too…past has lost his relevance and present time hold no future…One day almost seven years back I fainted near the fountain…yes same fountain…you remember the same fountain where my John I saw him first time…where he slipped while skating…I woke up in a hospital I was kept there for few days…While discharging doctor told me that I am in the initial stage of Cirrhosis of liver and if I don’t control my drinks I would die. First time after long gap I feared death…I do not know why I instinctively dragged my feet towards my son’s house…Before that I plucked rose bud from the hospital garden…It was Sunday morning…I could see from the distance Tim was about to get into his car…Oh I could see a small baby in his wife’s arms…Oh! That was my grand baby…I do not know how I got the strength but ran towards car to get a glimpse of that sweet little baby…My grandchild…as I reached there I was gasping for breath…My son was very uncomfortable…I understood and free zed there….couldn’t move a step…we were motionless…Tim as if cautioning me to keep distance from them said “Please…please mom…”I didn't say anything I understood…yes I understood…not this life my son…no… yes I have understood…I talked to myself… breaking the silence I asked my son is this a baby boy or girl. He replied baby girl…My last words to him… “keep her safe my son”…and I turned never looked back…never seen him again…I pretended lies and carved my remaining days in the wilderness of this world because truth failed me many times and the pretending lies would take me away from the reality…though reality cannot hurt me any more…I reached beyond…point of no return…But as I look towards that window I see life…I see my Tim…my ma, my pa, David…Rini…I see life…I see the world in which I lived…storm has calmed down…winds are no more lashing…everything quite…so serene I looked again at the window…I could hear the glee from far distance…I need to go home…And she closed her eyes…Her last words … Ma… Pa I am coming